


A Pie for your Problem

by LivinLaVidaLisa



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Fluff, King Alistair (Dragon Age), King Alistair and Queen Cousland, Post-Blight, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Sera Being Sera (Dragon Age), no beta we die like men, sorry mom, strong language maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25993501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivinLaVidaLisa/pseuds/LivinLaVidaLisa
Summary: Sera plays a prank on King Alistair and Queen Elissa.
Relationships: Alistair/Female Cousland (Dragon Age), Alistair/Female Warden (Dragon Age)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	A Pie for your Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everyone! 
> 
> This is my first officially posted fanfic. I'm basically testing out AO3 and seeing how this site works.
> 
> Sera's age is never outright said in the games soooo I have decided for this fic that Sera is about 15 years old, and the story takes place right before she decides to go to Val Royeaux.
> 
> Enjoy!

The streets of Denerim have always smelled of mabari and shite, but there was a time that it didn’t. There was a metallic tang of blood mixed with sweat and blighted filth. It took months for the stench to fade away, but anyone who lived to see the final battle still scrunch their faces when walking down the streets seeing where once tall buildings used to stand proud now lay in rubble at the ground. They remembered when every able-bodied person worked endlessly to rebuild their homes after the devastation that was The Fifth Blight. For the first few weeks they cleared the rubble and feverishly looked for survivors. Feet caked with mud. Clothes tattered and filthy. Hands covered in cuts, bruises, and blood. And dirty faces grimacing from their aches and pains. They remembered. Five years have passed since the Blight ended and yet Fereldens still work day and night repairing all that was broken. Tired eyes slowly closing, resting for a moment’s peace. A peace short lived as there was still much work to do. 

Sera couldn’t stand the sight of these sad nobs. _She_ can’t have fun with everybody whinging! No one smiled anymore, it was all tears and cries and angry pissers who seemed to have forgotten what life was about. Which was royally pissing off the nobles of course, and no better target than royal idiots. Sera was going to prank the King.

Rumor was that King _Ali-tart_ and Queen _El-ass-a_ always left the castle and walked in the busy streets of the market district every afternoon. Making the location of her prank easy to narrow down and the audience abundant. Sera smirked to herself as she saw the King and Queen walking together. Their arms were linked, and the Queen rested her free hand on the King’s forearm. They both wore small, tired smiles as they searched the stalls for anything to their interest. Sera’s own smile only grew when she _didn’t_ see any guards with them. _This will be way too easy_ , she giggled to herself.

The lithe rogue slipped through the crowds and to her hidden stash of cream pies. Two of them sitting as perfectly as she’d left them, the second only there in case she missed the first. Sera’s aim was good enough, sure, but they’re Grey Wombats and they fought dragons or something. Doesn’t matter. Sera wasn’t going to take her chances because she knew she’d only have the one chance to pie them so publicly.

She lifted one pie in her hand to feel its weight, happy with it she carefully lifted the other and quickly, quietly made her way behind the stalls staying as unnoticeable as possible. She tiptoed behind the vendors and held the pies low. Blending in, invisible in the public eye, _just like you were meant to be here Sera._ She quickly spotted the royal targets inspecting a weapons rack, Queen Elissious taking special interest in a pair of shiny daggers. Her brows were furrowed, as if she were deep in thought. King Ali-bear scratched his head mindlessly as he looked at nothing in particular. He glanced behind himself toward the Gnawed Noble Tavern, he turns back to the Queen and says something to her as he points to the tavern. The Queen chuckles and nods back at him, but returned are attention back to the daggers. King Allstar must have been pleased with what Queen Elphaba said as he just smiled stupidly after that.

King Alizard was her target, yeah, but what if she pelted them both? Sera felt a rush of giddiness over come her as she imagined both King and Queen humiliated and covered in cream as people pointed and laughed. _The King is a fool_ , someone would shout. _What a mess the Queen is,_ another will say. Sera’s stride became bolder as she lost herself in thought for a moment but quickly schooled her motions back to slow and steady as she approached them.

She just had to wait for them to step and little more to the left, then she’d have a good shot. The blonde elf tried not to laugh as King and Queen whoevers were just about to step right into her booby-trap. _Ha, booby-trap_ , she giggled to herself. Sera bit her lips shut when she realized she laughed out loud. Her face flushed, and heart raced as she scanned her surroundings, she sighed in relief when no one gave any notice. The stalls surrounding her where all bustling and busy bartering for them to notice a little girl snickering to herself.

Sera shook her head to refocus and gradually lifted a pie, aiming it at the King’s head. His soft smile from before had vanished, his face was set in a scowl and directed at some other important looking idiot. The Queen blissfully unaware of their exchange was testing the weight of the shiny new daggers, just as Sera had done with her pies a moment ago.

There wasn’t a moment left to lose, Sera pulled back one of the pies and launched it across the stalls. It splattered across half of the King’s face and he sputtered a few drops of cream on to the noble prat who was chatting the King up just a moment ago. Now both of their eyes are wide in surprise, Sera would go as far to say the nobleman’s were bulging out of his head. King Alishit whipped his head toward the stalls and locked eyes with Sera right as she was lifting her second pie.

Sera was now aiming for Queen Elfroot. Sera felt her heart pounding in her chest. The world seemed to slow to an agonizing pace. She knew after this she’d have to run like the void was chasing her and hide until her _crime_ was forgotten.

Alestat was cleverer than she gave him credit for. He turned toward his wife as Sera chucked the last pie toward the now very confused Queen Ela-bore. Before the pie hit it’s mark King Alistair shoved his Queen out of the way, and valiantly took the second pie to the other side of his face.

A shrill screech and a wet splash silenced all in the market. Several on lookers gasped as their King tackled their Queen to the ground saving her from a cream pie only to throw her into a nearby pool of mud. Her light blue dress quickly took on the color of brown mush. Sera held her hands over her mouth suppressing her squeals of delight. She had to leave, now.

Sera turned the opposite way and darted past the shocked vendors and shoppers. She vaulted herself over a stall and made a sprint toward a building. If she can reach a building and climb to the roof she knew she could escape any pursuer. The elf started to hear a roar of laughter coming from the market as she reached the closest building. She wanted to see how it all played out but didn’t want to risk being caught and thrown in a prison cell for life and a day. Sera made quick work of scaling up the side of a house and heaving herself onto the rooftop.

She hopped from one roof to the next but quickly realized that _she wasn’t being chased._ Sera made her way across other rooftops and slid down a pole and found her hidden cashe that held a cloak with a hood to hide her features. She quickly threw it on and pulled the hood over and made her way back to the market district to see the fruits of her labor.

The market was still full of laughter, everyone had paused to take in the sight of their _utterly embarrassed_ leaders. Or so Sera had thought before she saw them. The King had wiped away the cream from his eyes and face as best as he could. He also had a generous layer of mud from the bottom of his boots to up just past his knees as he was kneeling behind the Queen doing his best to brush off the mud on her dress but doing a better job of getting mud on his hands and sleeves.

Queen Elissa stood there letting King Alistair continue his useless ministrations. She curiously had gotten a nice smear of pie cream around her mouth, which was not frowning or scowling but instead held a joyful grin. As Sera got closer she saw that both the King and Queen were laughing and smiling with everyone around them. Elissa threw her hands up in mock defeat and turned to face her husband. She grabbed him by the collar and angled her head to kiss his lips. Sera scrunched her face and made low _yuck_ sound, while everyone else seemed to chuckle even more at the King and Queen’s display.

King Alistair, with the help from his wife, clumsily got back on to his feet. The guards came to break up the crowds and most dispersed with silly grins plastered over their faces. Sera hid herself in a small alcove to keep watching this curious display of _not_ embarrassment.

Sera couldn’t see Elissa’s face anymore, but if it looked anything like Alistair’s she’d say it looked blissfully happy. Not the quiet tired happiness they walked into the market with, but a contented and bright happiness that Sera had never witnessed before in her short life. Alistair’s muddy fingers gently brushed Elissa’s cheek, probably smearing more mud on to her face. Elissa took a silk handkerchief and softly cleaned the cream from Alistair’s face, there was still plenty of cream smeared in his hair line and embedded into his short facial hair when Elissa finally stopped her ministrations.

Elissa must have said something funny because Alistair’s grin widened, and he chuckled. He tilted his head down and rested his sticky forehead on hers. They stood there a moment, muddy hands and arms snaking around each other. The nobleman who was speaking to the King before interrupted their moment of peace. Their shoulders tensed and then sagged, as far away as she was, Sera could see the tiredness creeping back into their bodies.

The King and Queen once again linked arms and left the same as they had come, but covered in cream pie and mud with four armed men and a noble-twat tailing close behind. The young rogue watched the muddied and pied royals go. Sera had expected embarrassment, anger, disgust, not joyful laughter! Not from them anyway. But it had all worked out didn’t it? The little people got their laughs and smiles back. _For now, at least._

Sera slumped back into the alcove further. Yeah, they were royal-tits and thus would deserve a pie any way you look at it. You don’t just _suddenly_ become royalty without hurting a few people on the way up.

But they seemed to be just as worn down as any farmer, shop keep, or servant. Did they deserve it? Did any noble left in Ferelden deserve this? Even they had to survive all the darkspawn. A chill ran up her spine and dread sunk to the pit of her stomach. She quickly cut herself off from that line of thought.

She pondered there to herself for a while before coming to the only logical solution.

Sera will travel to Orlais. Plenty of prissy-nobles to despoil there. Pleased with herself she sauntered out of Denerim’s market district.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I had a lot of fun writing this, probably too much fun.  
> I wanted to add as many stupid nicknames for Alistair and Elissa as possible!  
> I hope that wasn't too confusing and that you enjoyed this little piece of silliness.
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome 😊


End file.
